Dubious Song Lyrics #5 'Delilah'

Inspired by Simon's fine list-based blog, I've decided to enter into the end-of-year spirit with a Christmas countdown of my own. At the risk of being slightly esoteric, my list reflects an obsession that I've had for many years, and I've always promised myself that if I ever had the guts and/or talent to try stand-up comedy, chatting about this obsession would be a staple of my live set.

My obsession is with dubious song lyrics.

Just to clarify, this isn't a list of 'bad' (i.e. poorly written) lyrics, of which there are millions. Rather, I hope to count down the five lyrics which actually breech the boundaries of taste, decency and legality, and yet which remain spectacularly popular and (in most cases) provide popular singalongs for a public who perhaps don't subject them to sufficient semantic scrutiny.

The first is a song so popular it has been embraced on football and rugby terraces, most famously by Stoke City fans. 'Delilah' by Tom Jones starts as our protagonist (let's call him 'Tom') casually spies on/stalks 'his woman': 'I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window / I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind'. Unperturbed by this obvious sign of infidelity, Tom stays throughout the act, just to ensure he's been truly cuckolded: 'As she deceived me I watched and went out of my mind'.

Tom surmises from this act of voyeurism that 'this girl is no good' for him, before jumping into a sea of mixed metaphors: 'But I was lost like a slave that no man could free'. Correct me if I'm wrong, but based on my knowledge of the slave trade, being 'lost' was not the most pertinent feature of a slaves predicament. Surely the physical and mental torture, as well as the degrading racism, were more pressing issues to a slave than being a bit 'lost'?

Nevertheless, Tom continues: 'At break of day when that man drove away I was waiting', implying that he had no intention of confronting the man actually having an affair with 'his' woman, in turn, implying that he doesn't blame this mysterious gent and that Delilah was entirely responsible for their evening of nuptials. Gallantly, Tom 'cross[es] the street to her house and she open[s] the door', at which point, (and somewhat conveniently for Tom) Delilah stands there laughing. Now either the chuckling Delilah is pathologically cruel-hearted and callous or Tom needed to quickly add some conjecture to ensure that, as listeners, we were on his side. I'm surprised he just stopped at laughing - couldn't she have been murdering puppies, or making obscene calls to Andrew Sachs, just to be on the safe side?

Anyway, Tom does what any respectable man would do and pulls a knife out on her. He seems to be particularly pleased with this act of insane violence as he assures us 'she laughed no more'. Well, that's a relief - you've taken the comedy out of the situation - well done, Tom.

The song ends as Tom pleads for forgiveness 'before they come to break down the door', suggesting that at least he had the decency to barge his way in and carry out the murder behind the previously open aperture.

Perhaps the most alarming thing about this song is not the incredibly distressing central narrative; rather, it is the euphoric, anthemic musical accompaniment. The bouncing melody of the verse is so seductive it might as well buy all your drinks and offer to pay the taxi fare, inevitably building to the orgasmically catchy chorus. Set to a dark, brooding musical landscape (imagine, say, a Joy Division version) the song would make sense. But as it is, Delilah is a party anthem, where you drunkenly put your arm around the person next to you, give them a wink and say, without a trace of irony: If I ever caught my girlfirend cheating, I'd murder her.