For men, the most awkward situation is a trip to the urinals. Most non-men (aka women) are aware that there's an awkwardness to this scenario, but they may not be fully-versed in the intricate, stilted nuances of urinal etiquette. Allow me to lift the lid.
That you look straight ahead at all times is a given, unless your motive for entering the urinal is something other than to urinate (and I'm sure there are better sites than this for details on lavatory-based trouser-wrestling). I would say that absolute silence is also part of the RUW (received urinal wisdom), but, in fact, the civilised silence established by strangers is all too often interrupted when two or more men recognise each other. In that situation, these men seemingly have to over-compensate by shouting at each other, inane banter about football or drinking, as if they couldn't possibly wait one minute to resume their mindless verbal joshings. In fact, there is such an insistence on the part of such men, that they're only interested in Capello's selection policy, and definitely not the 'midfield general' languishing in their friend's hand, that perhaps they could be accused of 'protesting too much'.
That's beside the point. Let's assume that all of the urinal users are strangers, and there are five facilities to choose from. I'm pretty sure I can chart the order in which these conveniences are used: first man in opts for the urinal furthest from the door, (let's call it U5) second man keeps a respectable distance, but still avoids being nearest the door (he'll choose U2 - I've always wanted to write about U2 in this context) next man in is a little trapped, and goes for U4, next is U1 and finally, man-in-the-middle is U3. There's something seethingly, unshakably male about such sequencing. I'm led to believe women chat and swap make-up; men abide by the unwritten, draconian laws of manliness.
Apologies if you find this toilet toil a little unedifying. The point is that there are so many situations in life that are unnecessarily complex, and usually defy all logic in the process. Now in London, I spend 2 hours per day on the tube. Often there are awkward, clumsy moments on the tube, whereby although we couldn't physically be much closer to each other, we compensate for this by being so distant, spiritually.
I'm often aggravated by the fact that passengers who sit next to me instantly steal my elbow room, in spite of the fact I'm clearly reading and, hey, I was there first.
Conversely, we're so scared of showing any sort of kindness or affection in situations like these, that we overlook opportunities to reach out to each other. For instance, on the tube last week I noticed a lady reading Barack Obama's book 'The Audacity of Hope'. Believe it or not, I've been wanting to buy this book since the spring - working in a bookshop it was difficult to ignore, and I found Obama so inspirational, I wanted to read everything by and about him. Yet, for some silly, superstitious reason, I held-back from buying the book, thinking that I might jinx him - that if I bought his book there could be no way he'd win the election.
As he was duly elected, I was free to make the purchase, and noticing the lady reading it on the tube reminded me. There was so much I could've said to her; I was so enthusiastic about his victory, I was still basking in reflected glory - I genuinely wanted to know what the book was like, what it was actually about and whether or not he'd employed a ghost writer. It was 6.30am, dark and cold, yet I could have reached out and got both of our day's off to an interesting start. But, alas, i didn't. Because having a conversation with someone on a train is a social faux pas - I feared the reaction I'd get would be something akin to winking at a fellow urinator - it was easier to be miserable and lonely.
And yet the fact is, we're all going to die. Why the hell don't we reach out to each other every chance we get? Ok, maybe not in the urinal, but you know what I mean.
Gareth
2 comments:
Brilliant! Just the kind of thing that would be perfect for a podcast.
I'm also sort of imagining lot's of Pete N Dud dialogue too but we'd need a private place to record it.
I'll try and post some skits up on my blog too as it might give us some incentive to get together and record.
Personally if there are five urinals and someone is at 'U5', I would opt for 'U3' or 'U1' meaning a third party could take to the stage without having to stand beside a fellow urinator. This does leave a fourth participant with a harder choice.
Superb point about shouting to each other about football. I have been known to do this myself.
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