Dubious Song Lyrics #1 'Young Girl'

And the award goes to...

This entire list, this entire genre of dubious lyrics was designed for 'Young Girl' by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap. Their name alone sounds dubious: Gary's unfortunate surname being so ripe for rhyming slang and 'The Union Gap', to me at least, sounds like the sinister moniker of a gang from 'A Clockwork Orange'.

The song itself is really quite clear in its inherent dubiousness - not much is left to interpretation: 'Young Girl, get out of my mind, my love for you is way out of line' Gary is clearly on dodgy territory. But the element that I've always found particularly audacious is the next line: 'Better run, girl, you're much too young girl.'

'Better run, girl'? Better run or what? Is Gary really admitting that his appetite for pre-pubescent girls is so all-consuming that her only chance is to 'run'? It's as though he's shifting the blame and the responsibility to her - 'look, love, I warned you. I told you you'd 'better run'. If you don't take that on board, I'm afraid I can't be responsible for my actions.'

As with The Beatles' 'Run For Your Life', this song really does speak for itself:

With all the charms of a woman

You've kept the secret of your youth
You led me to believe
You're old enough
To give me love
And now it hurts to know the truth, Oh,
Beneath your perfume and make-up
You're just a baby in disguise
And though you know
That it is wrong to be
Alone with me
That come on look is in your eyes, Oh,
So hurry home to your mama
I'm sure she wonders where you are
Get out of here
Before I have the time
To change my mind
'Cause I'm afraid we'll go too far, Oh,
Young girl

If they'd found stuff like this on Gary Glitter's hard-drive, he'd have been convicted a lot sooner. 

Now please endure the accompanying video, which, although they've clearly used a female actor who is 'old enough', even this is undermined by the sinister use of a baby doll, evoking even more disturbing images than were mustered by the song alone.

Enjoy, and have a happy new year!

 

Episode 2

Episode 2 of the Two Wise Men podcasts is now available to download here and through iTunes. Download, comment and enjoy!

Dubious Song Lyrics #2 'I Drove All Night'

Firstly, I have to say that this is one of my all-time favourite songs, and the recent BBC4 Roy Orbison night served to remind me exactly why he was so great. As such, it is with a heavy heart that I subject Roy to lyrical cross-examination...

On first listen, it's a linear narrative - 'Roy' was a long way from home, but was so desperate to see his wife or girlfriend that he drove through the night, just so they could be together at the earliest opportunity. However, due to what I can only assume is songwriting expediency (it gave the song a nice melody) he ends each chorus with the question 'is that all right?' The careful listener will realise that this is where Roy comes unstuck:

'I drove all night to get to you / Is that all right? / I drove all night, crept in your room / Woke you from your sleep to make love to you / Is that all right? / I drove all night'

Crucially, the 'is that all right?' refrain comes after Roy has crept into the woman's bedroom and made love to her. Essentially, Roy is seeking retrospective consent for the lovemaking, which he follows up with the justification 'I drove all night' as in 'Having driven all night I assumed I could do what I felt like'. 

And why did he creep into the room if he was going to wake her up anyway? Either he's lying about the creeping or the waking ...

On one level, this is dubious even if the woman in question was Roy's wife or girlfriend - you'd assume he'd have established at least some sort of tacit consent before the lovemaking, be it a nod, a wink or a 'brace yourself'. Why on earth would he be asking 'is that all right?' after the fact?

An even more sinister reading is that Roy was not in a relationship with this woman - he had admired her from afar and decided that 'lovemaking' would happen whether she liked it or not.'The fever for [her] was burning [him] up inside.' 

To take it a stage further, this notion, coupled with the fact the lyric is in the past tense, brings to mind an image of Roy attempting to justify his actions in court. 

When asked for his testimony, Roy looked earnestly from the dock, and pointed out that, in all fairness, he had driven 'all night'. 

Dubious Song Lyrics #3 'Cecilia'

This jolly Simon and Garfunkel number is a fairly simple love song with a bizarre central premise. For some reason I always picture Art Garfunkel as the male protagonist: a lanky, giant of a man with a mop of curly hair. The song begins by reflecting on the issues in Art's relationship: 'Cecilia, you're breaking my heart, you're shaking my confidence daily' without actually going into detail. At this point, the listener could be forgiven for assuming the plot is straightforward, and that he's fallen victim to the usual sixties song lyric antagonist - a pesky, no good, cheating woman. To an extent you'd be right. But the sheer audacity of this particular woman must be applauded...

The second verse tells of better days for Art: 'Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia, Up in my bedroom' before things turn sour 'I got up to wash my face, When I come back to bed, Someone's taken my place.' 

Firstly, one can't help but wonder precisely what act Art was involved in, that meant his priority at the time was to 'wash his face'. If it was a reflection of Cecilia's personal hygiene, surely he could've been more discreet. But, more importantly, how the hell did Cecilia manage to get another bloke 'on board' in the time it took Art to scuttle to the bathroom and back. Even assuming their were no en suite facilities, it could only have been a matter of minutes. Did she have someone waiting in the wardrobe? Was it all an elaborate rotation system, and that Art was only one of many men? If so, his determination to wash his face might be more explainable.

Or, more to the point, was this other man known to Art - a diminutive, balding acoustic guitar player, perhaps? Troubled waters indeed.

In the season of good will, you'll be pleased to know that things worked out well for Art: 'Jubilation! She loves me again, I fall on the floor and I'm laughing'. It's also good to know that unlike his hateful, murderous contemporaries, Art has a laissez-faire attitude towards infidelity, perhaps deciding that given his gangly frame and pasty complexion, beggars can't be choosers.

Whatever the reason, he'll certainly think twice the next time he's tempted to wash his face.

Dubious Song Lyrics #4 'Rubber Soul'

Yes, I know 'Rubber Soul' is an album, but to my mind it's the most consistently dubious album of all time. I remember, even as a child, watching in amazement as Paul McCartney concluded the Beatles Anthology series by claiming that if you look back over The Beatles work, you'd find that all of their songs are about love and peace. 'Rubber Soul' must've been conveniently posted down the McCartney memory-hole, because it's a relentlessly, cynically and at times violently misogynistic record.

Disclaimer: if you disagree with any of the following interpretations, please feel free to comment, but I must warn you that I (mis)spent most of my childhood researching anything and everything to do with The Beatles, and I'm sure I'm not the only person to object to the Fab Four's chauvenism.

In true hack-journo fashion, I'll list each track along with my interpretations and moral obligations, below:

Drive My Car Shallow, vacuous woman cons a man into believing she's famous and talented. He falls for it and agrees to give her a lift. Grrr... damn those pesky women.

Norweigan Wood (This Bird Has Flown) A 'bird' flirts with the male protagonist, but refuses to have sex with him, forcing him to 'sleep in the bath'. Furious, our hero sets fire to her house. Fair Enough.

You Won't See Me Another pesky woman won't return Paul McCartney's calls. He's livid.

Nowhere Man Hooray! John takes a breather from the misogyny.

Think For Yourself Boo! George pipes-up with a fairly straightforward anti-women rant. Women tell lies, women believe lies. 'Think for yourself you skirt-wearing idiots!'

The Word There'd be none of these issues if we just said the word 'love'. Presumably in the context: 'You wouldn't put-out, so I've just burnt down your house, love.'

Michelle McCartney gives advice to Europhile men everywhere: you only need to learn eight words of French and their dolly-birds will fall at your feet.

What Goes On Argh! It's Ringo's song, usually the light hearted moment of whimsy on a Beatles LP, but even he's at it! This was Ringo's first ever songwriting credit in a Beatles song too, so it was actually his latent misogyny that inspired him to pick up a pen. 'It's so easy for a girl like you to lie.' Tell me about it, Ringo, they're all at it.

Girl 'She's the kind of girl who puts you down when friends are there, you feel a fool' - we'd have more sympathy for John if it wasn't for the fact that he's singing over the backing vocals 'tit tit tit tit tit'. I suggest this juxtaposes how the Beatles may have actually perceived women (belittling, devious swines) and what they actually want women for (they like their tits).

I'm Looking Through You Women are transparent. Surely the lads are running out of misogynistic metaphors by now?

In My Life A beautiful ballad, sullied only by the line 'In my life, I've loved them all', which could easily be the opening line of Jim Davidson's autobiography.

Wait Define yourself by your man - if he's away, wait for him. Don't bother getting on with your own life, it's over-rated. Darling.

If I Needed Someone 'Carve your number on my wall and maybe you will get a call from me', I'm not promising anything, though - maybe - okay? I know what you women are like.

Run For Your Life Sometimes a lyric can speak for itself. I wouldn't be surprised if Tom Jones collaborated on this murderous, paranoid, testosterone-fuelled piece of nonsense:

Well I'd rather see you dead, little girl
Than to be with another man
You better keep your head, little girl
Or I won't know where I am
You better run for your life if you can, little girl
Hide your head in the sand little girl
Catch you with another man
That's the end'a little girl
Well you know that I'm a wicked guy
And I was born with a jealous mind
And I can't spend my whole life
Trying just to make you toe the line
You better run for your life if you can, little girl
Hide your head in the sand little girl
Catch you with another man
That's the end'a little girl
Let this be a sermon
I mean everything I've said
Baby, I'm determined
And I'd rather see you dead
You better run for your life if you can, little girl
Hide your head in the sand little girl
Catch you with another man
That's the end'a little girl
I'd rather see you dead, little girl
Than to be with another man
You better keep your head, little girl
Or you won't know where I am


If after reading this you feel you want to get revenge for all of this women-hating, please don't bother, because just-desserts have already been dished out. Two words: Heather Mills.

Dubious Song Lyrics #5 'Delilah'

Inspired by Simon's fine list-based blog, I've decided to enter into the end-of-year spirit with a Christmas countdown of my own. At the risk of being slightly esoteric, my list reflects an obsession that I've had for many years, and I've always promised myself that if I ever had the guts and/or talent to try stand-up comedy, chatting about this obsession would be a staple of my live set.

My obsession is with dubious song lyrics.

Just to clarify, this isn't a list of 'bad' (i.e. poorly written) lyrics, of which there are millions. Rather, I hope to count down the five lyrics which actually breech the boundaries of taste, decency and legality, and yet which remain spectacularly popular and (in most cases) provide popular singalongs for a public who perhaps don't subject them to sufficient semantic scrutiny.

The first is a song so popular it has been embraced on football and rugby terraces, most famously by Stoke City fans. 'Delilah' by Tom Jones starts as our protagonist (let's call him 'Tom') casually spies on/stalks 'his woman': 'I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window / I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind'. Unperturbed by this obvious sign of infidelity, Tom stays throughout the act, just to ensure he's been truly cuckolded: 'As she deceived me I watched and went out of my mind'.

Tom surmises from this act of voyeurism that 'this girl is no good' for him, before jumping into a sea of mixed metaphors: 'But I was lost like a slave that no man could free'. Correct me if I'm wrong, but based on my knowledge of the slave trade, being 'lost' was not the most pertinent feature of a slaves predicament. Surely the physical and mental torture, as well as the degrading racism, were more pressing issues to a slave than being a bit 'lost'?

Nevertheless, Tom continues: 'At break of day when that man drove away I was waiting', implying that he had no intention of confronting the man actually having an affair with 'his' woman, in turn, implying that he doesn't blame this mysterious gent and that Delilah was entirely responsible for their evening of nuptials. Gallantly, Tom 'cross[es] the street to her house and she open[s] the door', at which point, (and somewhat conveniently for Tom) Delilah stands there laughing. Now either the chuckling Delilah is pathologically cruel-hearted and callous or Tom needed to quickly add some conjecture to ensure that, as listeners, we were on his side. I'm surprised he just stopped at laughing - couldn't she have been murdering puppies, or making obscene calls to Andrew Sachs, just to be on the safe side?

Anyway, Tom does what any respectable man would do and pulls a knife out on her. He seems to be particularly pleased with this act of insane violence as he assures us 'she laughed no more'. Well, that's a relief - you've taken the comedy out of the situation - well done, Tom.

The song ends as Tom pleads for forgiveness 'before they come to break down the door', suggesting that at least he had the decency to barge his way in and carry out the murder behind the previously open aperture.

Perhaps the most alarming thing about this song is not the incredibly distressing central narrative; rather, it is the euphoric, anthemic musical accompaniment. The bouncing melody of the verse is so seductive it might as well buy all your drinks and offer to pay the taxi fare, inevitably building to the orgasmically catchy chorus. Set to a dark, brooding musical landscape (imagine, say, a Joy Division version) the song would make sense. But as it is, Delilah is a party anthem, where you drunkenly put your arm around the person next to you, give them a wink and say, without a trace of irony: If I ever caught my girlfirend cheating, I'd murder her.

Aftermath

I've always believed that in order for a song to be truly great, what it needs most is that intangible, often elusive quality: context. Now, far be it for me to proclaim a song that I was involved with as 'great', but I do feel that 'Aftermath' was the most perfectly-formed of Tokyo Beatbox's repertoire. Lyrically speaking, the title derived from a double-whammy of influences, it having been the name of a Rolling Stones album and one of the names considered by James, Nicky and Sean (Richey hadn’t joined at that point) before settling for 'Manic Street Preachers'. It was at the stage of the band where we were trying to move on from our first crop of songs, but lots of petty irritations kept getting in the way. It was a dialogue inspired by The Libertines' 'Can't Stand Me Now' and encapsulated my relationships with several different people at the time. This song is also a perfect example of how Simon's music could instantly and perfectly complement the lyrical sentiments: the music is choppy, turbulent, chaotic. That we were completely in love with Bloc Party at the time is also pretty apparent.

 

This (live) video was shot and edited by my good friend Steve Naish at one of our soundchecks. You can tell that we're cold, rusty and that Andy hasn't brought enough drums and cymbals with him. You can also tell that Chris didn't have time to get changed, hence his 'travelling salesman' look. But I think you can also tell that there's a pretty good song in their too - with a sense of angst and frustration, but also of understanding and redemption. In many ways it was the great 'lost' TB number, as we never made CD copies and stopped gigging soon after recording. Please click and enjoy!

Pest control

On my way to and from work i pass many shops and buisnesses.
I have a favourite...

.... 'Pest Control', which, i presume, is where you call if you have an animal pest in your house or office etc.

What i love is the sign they have outside their office, next to the road. It has in big letters 'pest of the week', then a gap where the 'pest of the week' can be displayed. I find it funny that someone has a pest of the week, usually these sorts of titles are for good things, but i suppose pests are a good thing for 'pest control' because thats their job!

When i first passed by and saw this sign the cynic in me thought, "i bet that sign never changes, it'll be the same pest for months".
But i have been prooved wrong, there has been many pests given the coverted title of 'pest of the week'; german cockroach, house mouse, mite, bed bugs...

Presently it is the brown rat.
Oh joy of joys, the daily commute!

Those who can't...

I'm being a right curmudgeon at the moment - there are a million good things I could say about my job as a teacher, but just because it's misanthropic-blog-fodder I'm highlighting a downside. Perhaps it really is a case of too much perspective.

What I'm moaning about isn't teaching, nor is it teachers, as such. Rather, my beef is with when these two worlds combine.

To explain, as I came to college teaching via university lecturing, I have to attend evening classes in order to gain a formal teaching qualification. This, coupled with regular course/departmental meetings, means that I regularly get to observe teachers being taught. There's more abundant irony than an Alanis Morissette lyric meeting.

You see, you'd expect that people who spend 9am til 4pm every day, asking classes of students to listen, stop chatting, put their phones away etc. to behave impeccably when a fellow teacher, a comrade in class control, attempts to address a crowd of which they are a part. This couldn't be further from the truth. Perhaps teachers' brains are hard-wired to assume that everything they say is worth hearing and that every classroom is their classroom. Perhaps the excitement of being surrounded by fellow teachers really is too much, and it's only natural that the gossiping flows the moment the students have gone. Yet I still can't help but be surprised at the phenomenal levels of rudeness that some teachers display in such a situation - especially when the team meeting/training course in question is in place for their benefit. It's the ultimate blind-spot - often the worst culprits are the teachers who suffer most from (or, at least, complain the loudest about) the behaviour of their groups.

At the training session I attended tonight, I saw two teachers passing notes and two others mumbling to each other throughout the course leader's presentation. In these situations, I'm always reminded of this legendary piece of television, yet frustrated by the fact there's no camera for me to silently transmit my disgust to, in true Tim Canterbury/Stan Laurel fashion.

Of course, it's important to share experiences and ideas with your colleagues. But if you added up the amount of time in your life that's been wasted by misbehaving classmates at school, timewasting fellow students at Uni, or procrastinating, self-absorbed colleagues at work, I'm sure the total figure would be frightening.

And of course, right now it's me who's self-absorbed, and you could argue that writing a blog is just a glorified form of procrastination. But I wonder if any other profession can boast such a perfect form of ... is hypocrisy too strong a word? ... let's settle on ... professional irony. I'm sure there are some pretty unhealthy GPs out there, and there have always been corrupt politicians and immoral journalists. But, just now, nothing seems quite as blatant, or quite as annoying, as a naughty teacher.

Special Needs

If you really want a laugh this Xmas, check out the customer reviews for this. I've never known someone have so much contempt for their fans. He's already released 3 DVD versions of the same stand-up show, but apparently even that wasn't the nadir. Never has someone gone, so literally, from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Simon Amstell summed it up best on Buzzcocks this week: "I'm glad he's brought out a new DVD - I need a present for someone I hate who's thick."

Episode 1

Please click here to discover episode 1 of the Two Wise Men podcasts. Please let us know what you think and we can discuss your comments/insults in our next episode!

MISSING

Have you seen this man? Committed drinker, convicted dogger, poet, scoundrel, shoulder shrugger, skin slammer, silent but deadly. Known to answer to the name 'Stixey'. Hasn't answered any of my calls or emails* If you see him staggering between a dartboard and East Street, do not approach. He has some dubious political views.**

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE
REWARD: £2.00





*no calls have been made and no emails sent.
** very dubious